How I Ended Up In The Women's Prison

This Is How I Ended Up In The Women’s Prison

Well I ended up in the women’s prison on the seventh day in May

No one knows the reason why I’m sitting here today

Well cellie knows but she won’t talk

‘cause I keep her happy round the clock

I’ll tell you why this is where I want to stay

They picked me up on a Friday night on a trumped on B and E

I had stumbled into to buddy’s house just to take a pee

The bigger one was too gung ho

so he caught a face full of my flow

Wasn’t aiming but he tackled me

I learned you can’t relieve yourself on an officer of the law

He could have just explained to me ‘stead of busting up my jaw

Hogtied, bruiser

in the back of a cruiser

So don’t ever relieve yourself on an officer of the law

They brought me to the station on the other side of town

Prints and smile for the camera Shut up and go sit down

Put me in a shiny cell

got no phone call what the hell

They brought me to the station on the other side of town

The head was stark against the paint the pissing altar called

I fumbled with my shirt and pants my legs and laces sprawled

Heard the guards keys a scraping

and I was there with my manhood gaping

What happens next will keep you all enthralled

I’m shy for an exhibitionist I tried to cover with my hands

Instead I decided to tuck it in a la Silence of the Lambs

I turned and raised my arms up high

her mouth just dropped she looked horrified

I said well can I help you ma’am?

I made a joke to ease her mind I said that I surrender

I must have looked a little strange in my drunken naked splendor

I realized I shouldn’t have hid my mate

when she said, ah sir, we’ll segregate

Don’t worry I have training in transgender

I laughed a little girlish laugh cuz I thought she was just shy

She slammed the door and sprinted off I didn’t wonder why

Dislodged my members from between my legs

thought about my sausage and eggs

And said oh shit, she thinks I’m not a guy

I pounded on the metal door and screamed like on TV

The other guys started yelling too, but they were yelling back at me

It seems the news began to spread

the new guy might be a girl instead

And my dance card filled as fast as fast could be

The guard returned with three other folks who looked a little out of place

A woman with a clipboard, and a big guard just in case

And a doctor with needle said

a little something to calm your head

It’ll make you feel all better just in case

They sat me in a wheelchair and wheeled me down the hall

To a nicer looking cell, didn’t feel like jail at all

Sat me in the nicest chair

Washed my face and combed my hair

Fed me well and then I got my call

They let me order pizza cause lawyers weren’t that cheap

I had a girl that I’d been dating but she thinks I’m a creep

They’d look in inside then look again

I figured I’d be out by ten

So I blew them kisses and drifted off to sleep

Was awakened by a good ol boy must have been midday

He said miss we’ll process you and you’ll be on your way

I rubbed my eyes and cleared my throat

And said I don’t know what the lady wrote

But call me miss and I’ll end your life today

He told me not to threaten him and do just what he asked

I said I’m not a violent man but I would fit him for a cast

He said okay turn and spread ‘em

I said that’s it and tried to hit him

Cuz I don’t spread my legs and show my ass

Well I ended up on the concrete floor the big guy right on top

He asked me if I liked it and whether he should stop

I struggled like a squealing pig

But this guard here was effin’ big

So he cuffed me and said don’t ever hit a cop

I’ll save you some banalities of due process and the courts

And how they didn’t care about what was in my shorts

They said my gender was not assigned at birth

Like treasure it had to be unearthed

And did I need a garment for support

Assertion of my manhood met offers of a shrink

They said it doesn’t matter if I exhibited my dink

So they shipped me to the women’s jail

And recommended that I paint my nails

The guy who drove the van said he liked pink

It’s October now the leaves are pretty and today I’m turning 30

It seems I get more privileges the more that I act flirty

In basketball I lead the team

In rebounds, points and shaving cream

And the nickname on warmup says ‘big dirty’

I learned by ABC’s in jail and my LGBTQ

I found out I’m ‘bout 10% gay and probly so are you

I still like girls and they like me

I give back rubs to the girls for free

For my birthday I got rainbow neck tattoo

So that’s the reason why I’m here I why I plan to stay

Despite the contract offer from the WNBA

I’ll never make it on the outside

Like Red I’m institutionalized

Maybe if I hit a guard they’ll let me stay

Written in the fall of 2018. Trying to be funny. It worked.