
The Kelly Song Collective
This Is How I Ended Up In The Women’s Prison
Well I ended up in the women’s prison on the seventh day in May
No one knows the reason why I’m sitting here today
Well cellie knows but she won’t talk
‘cause I keep her happy round the clock
I’ll tell you why this is where I want to stay
They picked me up on a Friday night on a trumped on B and E
I had stumbled into to buddy’s house just to take a pee
The bigger one was too gung ho
so he caught a face full of my flow
Wasn’t aiming but he tackled me
I learned you can’t relieve yourself on an officer of the law
He could have just explained to me ‘stead of busting up my jaw
Hogtied, bruiser
in the back of a cruiser
So don’t ever relieve yourself on an officer of the law
They brought me to the station on the other side of town
Prints and smile for the camera Shut up and go sit down
Put me in a shiny cell
got no phone call what the hell
They brought me to the station on the other side of town
The head was stark against the paint the pissing altar called
I fumbled with my shirt and pants my legs and laces sprawled
Heard the guards keys a scraping
and I was there with my manhood gaping
What happens next will keep you all enthralled
I’m shy for an exhibitionist I tried to cover with my hands
Instead I decided to tuck it in a la Silence of the Lambs
I turned and raised my arms up high
her mouth just dropped she looked horrified
I said well can I help you ma’am?
I made a joke to ease her mind I said that I surrender
I must have looked a little strange in my drunken naked splendor
I realized I shouldn’t have hid my mate
when she said, ah sir, we’ll segregate
Don’t worry I have training in transgender
I laughed a little girlish laugh cuz I thought she was just shy
She slammed the door and sprinted off I didn’t wonder why
Dislodged my members from between my legs
thought about my sausage and eggs
And said oh shit, she thinks I’m not a guy
I pounded on the metal door and screamed like on TV
The other guys started yelling too, but they were yelling back at me
It seems the news began to spread
the new guy might be a girl instead
And my dance card filled as fast as fast could be
The guard returned with three other folks who looked a little out of place
A woman with a clipboard, and a big guard just in case
And a doctor with needle said
a little something to calm your head
It’ll make you feel all better just in case
They sat me in a wheelchair and wheeled me down the hall
To a nicer looking cell, didn’t feel like jail at all
Sat me in the nicest chair
Washed my face and combed my hair
Fed me well and then I got my call
They let me order pizza cause lawyers weren’t that cheap
I had a girl that I’d been dating but she thinks I’m a creep
They’d look in inside then look again
I figured I’d be out by ten
So I blew them kisses and drifted off to sleep
Was awakened by a good ol boy must have been midday
He said miss we’ll process you and you’ll be on your way
I rubbed my eyes and cleared my throat
And said I don’t know what the lady wrote
But call me miss and I’ll end your life today
He told me not to threaten him and do just what he asked
I said I’m not a violent man but I would fit him for a cast
He said okay turn and spread ‘em
I said that’s it and tried to hit him
Cuz I don’t spread my legs and show my ass
Well I ended up on the concrete floor the big guy right on top
He asked me if I liked it and whether he should stop
I struggled like a squealing pig
But this guard here was effin’ big
So he cuffed me and said don’t ever hit a cop
I’ll save you some banalities of due process and the courts
And how they didn’t care about what was in my shorts
They said my gender was not assigned at birth
Like treasure it had to be unearthed
And did I need a garment for support
Assertion of my manhood met offers of a shrink
They said it doesn’t matter if I exhibited my dink
So they shipped me to the women’s jail
And recommended that I paint my nails
The guy who drove the van said he liked pink
It’s October now the leaves are pretty and today I’m turning 30
It seems I get more privileges the more that I act flirty
In basketball I lead the team
In rebounds, points and shaving cream
And the nickname on warmup says ‘big dirty’
I learned by ABC’s in jail and my LGBTQ
I found out I’m ‘bout 10% gay and probly so are you
I still like girls and they like me
I give back rubs to the girls for free
For my birthday I got rainbow neck tattoo
So that’s the reason why I’m here I why I plan to stay
Despite the contract offer from the WNBA
I’ll never make it on the outside
Like Red I’m institutionalized
Maybe if I hit a guard they’ll let me stay
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© Michael Worthington Music 2018

Written in the fall of 2018. Trying to be funny. It worked.